Integrity takes Courage--- Are you courageous enough to do what you say you would?

This time I will share a personal story on trust and integrity. During my engineering time, every year we would celebrate a college fest. In my 3^rd year of college, our department decided to create a replica of a refinery. Few of us were selected to work on the modelling part and how to design the equipment , what materials to use, what colours to use. My role was to perform a financial report on what would be the spent. All the core team members went through the plans, suggestions, requirements and I prepared a spent report and got a budget approved. We all were aligned to our discussions and had completely agreed to how we would be moving forward. The work started slowly and the team member who was responsible for the raw materials and equipment design thought of including two additional distillation columns. We had collectively decided to inform everyone of any changes in the plan, however this person felt that the decision of including additional distillation columns was for him to take. Additional raw materials were ordered and it did affect the budget . Finally we had to cut down on few other plans like prizes for planned activities during the fest to support this. Eventually the fest was a success, however this experience changed everyone’s perception about this person. Everyone started making their own assumptions why that happened, may be because it would add complexity to the design and the designer would get extra points for his creativity. We never spoke about what the actual reason was because none of us felt like approaching the person again. He had broken our trust. We forgot about all the good things we did together because of this one incident. That is the damage loss of trust does to your relationships.

Stop for a moment and think if someone has stopped approaching you , retrospect your actions to try and mend the broken threads of trust.

Trust underpins effective relationships. The more someone trusts a friend , colleague, manager or team member, the greater the likelihood they will co-operate, share information and work effectively together.

The secret sauce the drives trust are 3 key elements-

·       effective communication

·       integrity

·       decision making

Let me share my experience on why I believe these are the 3 key elements :

You would have faced situations when you had a conversation with someone and opened up honestly believing that the other person is also honest with you. You both discuss things and come to a conclusion . What happens when one of you does not share the right information during the conversation and you or the other person learns about it from a third person. There is a breach of trust, it impacts the future decision making .

However imagine if the situation turned up this way : You both spoke and discussed points which might not be good to hear but were bitter truths. You both come out of the conversation fully knowing the truth. A truth which might not be great to hear but gives you time to absorb it. When these truths result in actions in future, you already know that this was supposed to happen. This boosts your trust because the conversation helped both of you to prepare for the future even though it might not be the most favourable situation.

How many of us opt for the second scenario? Both of these are in our hands to control.  Majority of us chose the first option because it makes you feel good, it is easy to do . The second option although is the right thing to do, but requires courage.

Integrity requires courage. Courage is different from Bravery. Courage is the ability to confront something painful or difficult or dangerous despite any fear. It’s not a quality, but a choice; a person feels the fear or pain or danger, but chooses to persevere anyway. Unlike bravery, courage is driven by a cause; the courageous person believes that cause is worth standing up and fighting for, despite all the clear reasons not to.

Being courageous brings changes in your behaviour, it constantly draws numerous maps in your mind reminding you to do what you said you will do. It brings in integrity in your behaviour.

Behavioural integrity isn't grounded in what you believe is morally right or wrong -- after all, you may believe one thing, and say or do another. It's judged against the backdrop of your words, not unspoken values, standards, or principles. Behavioural integrity isn't doing what's right , but actually do what you say you'll do.

Why should you spend time in thinking about “ Integrity “ when you might have 10 different things to do ?

Because living a life of integrity means that we never have to spend time or energy questioning ourselves. When we listen to our hearts and do the right thing, life becomes simple. Our life, and our actions, are open for everyone to see, and we don't have to worry about hiding anything.

Dealing with Bullying—The Power is in your hands

I was looking at my old pictures from school and so many memories flashed in front of my eyes. Memories of beautiful time spent with my friends and dark thoughts of how I was bullied throughout my school and some part of engineering…

Throughout my school I got made fun of for being fat . People would always go out of their way to tell me how fat I was and how unattractive that made me, especially in comparison to other girls. My nickname in third through tenth grade was ‘sumo/moti’ and in the assembly line I would be called as “aye Moti” . Even today, objectively knowing I am a pretty small person, I always feel fat. I’m working to unlearn harmful beauty standards, but years of bullying means I get triggered in the most unexpected ways, like when a fat girl is made fun of in a movie. I got used to the bullying as time passed but during my initial days , I went ‘into’ myself and did not talk to anyone about it. I always felt insecure about myself , started overlooking my strengths and focussed on everything that was broken. The only things that ran through my mind during my school and college was how ugly I looked , I tried to get acceptance from people on my looks , now that I think about it I laugh at myself.

Some of my very close friends pulled me out of the phase, I believe we were too young to realise the importance then. Cant thank them enough for being my support system.

Why am I writing about it now? Well bullying really never stops…until we put a full stop on it..

 

Fast forward 20 years, and the woman you see now is almost unrecognisable to this petrified child, but scratch the surface and she’s still there. Being women engineer can be challenging when you come across bullying. It’s a topic that is rarely spoken about.

People wait for you to fall because seeing others’ success makes people act in very strange and unpredictable  ways. Often fuelled by jealousy and envy, it brings out their own insecurities and worries and unfortunately but unsurprisingly; this leads to a lot of bullying.

Bullying of any kind is never OK but at some point you can make a decision. They’re either right and you will never amount to anything, or you can be brave – use every bit of your strength and decide to prove them wrong. I choose the latter. I chose to share my story today even though it left me feeling vulnerable but I no longer fear what people would think.

I understood something which Papa always says me - the reason that people judge is overwhelmingly usually because they wish they were doing what you are. It’s almost always down to misplaced envy. And so there’s no reason to fear it. Instead ask yourself – is my fear of being criticised or bullied stronger and more important than my desire to be successful? 

There was a time when I gave up and called him to say I am coming back home and he patiently asked me “ Are you sure you have given your 100%” . That made me think , there is so much left in me. 

Remember, you will only be targeted and criticised by those who are less successful than you, never those who have achieved more than you. Because people who are more successful than you aren’t insecure about their success…

If you talk about compassion, have compassion. Even when you don’t feel like it and every part of you wants to defend or act smug. Be kinder. Not because it helps you to let go of things but because it’s the right thing to do. Believe me it feels so much better to be kind to someone when the easiest thing was to be a jerk.

If your messaging is about integrity, show true integrity. Not the type that you want your followers to see so that you can feel good about yourself and tick a box. But acting the right way even when nobody will ever know and you aren’t proving anything to anyone. 

Values may well be part of who you are but truly living them may still take effort. But that effort is worth it. When you really start living your values, then it will show in everything you do. From the content you create to how you show up, and that’s when you’ll attract the people you’ve always wanted into your life. 

You have a choice in who you want to be. If you’ve ever been bullied as a child or an adult, I stand with you and I know you can rise up because I did. I was slow and hurt , but eventually I found a way. Don’t hide, hiding is like telling yourself the biggest lie. That is the worst thing you can do yourself.

You’re strong and you are needed in this world. Don’t forget your individuality and you do have the power to overcome the two faced bullies in your life. You will always have a support system, dont loose them. I am so lucky to have my support system, people who have become my family.

Forgiveness and Letting Go - Be Kind to Yourself

They say holding hate in your heart towards someone else is like holding a hot stone in your hand to throw at them – you hurt yourself more in the process.  Like anyone else, I have endured my share of painful relationships, whether it was a family member , friend or co-worker.  I have even had to forgive myself in certain situations.  Forgive myself for ignoring certain situations where I should have made a point but did not do , may be because I felt at that time it was the right thing to do.

I don’t believe in Forgiving and Forgetting; I don’t believe anyone can and if they say they can, they are not being truthful. After all, if you forget certain pain or transgressions committed by others, have you really learned from them? I believe you can heal from the pain, but healing doesn’t come from forgetting; it comes from remembering, re-assessing the situation and working through it.

What happens when you are wronged? After you are wronged and the initial wave of emotion has passed, you're presented with a new challenge: Do you forgive the person? By forgiving, you let go of your grievances and judgments and allow yourself to heal. While this may sound good in theory, in practice forgiveness can sometimes feel impossible. It is very important to acknowledge that forgiving is completely under your control and that is why it can be difficult but not impossible.

By forgiving, I accept the reality of what happened and find a way to live in a state of resolution with it. This mostly is a gradual process—and it doesn't necessarily includes the person I have forgiven . Forgiveness isn't something I do for the person who wronged me; it's something I do for myself.

If you decide you are willing to forgive, find a good place and time to be alone with your thoughts. Then, try following these four steps to forgive even when it feels impossible:

·      Think about the incident that angered you. Accept that it happened. Accept how you felt about it and how it made you react. In order to forgive, you need to acknowledge the reality of what occurred and how you were affected.

·      Acknowledge the growth you experienced as a result of what happened. What did you learn? Did you go beyond your boundaries? Think about - Not only did I survive the incident, perhaps I grew from it.

·      Now think about the other person. He or she is flawed because all human beings are flawed. He or she acted from limited beliefs and a skewed frame of reference because sometimes we all act from our limited beliefs and skewed frames of reference( we all do the same mistake) . When you were hurt, the other person was trying to have a need met. What do you think this need was and why did the person go about it in such a hurtful way?

·      Finally, decide whether or not you want to tell the other person that you have forgiven him or her. If you decide not to express forgiveness directly, then do it on your own. Say the words, "I forgive you," aloud and then add as much explanation as you feel is merited.

Forgiveness puts the final seal on what happened that hurt you. You will still remember what happened, but you will no longer be bound by it. Having worked through the feelings and learned what you need to do to strengthen your boundaries or get your needs met, you are better able to take care of yourself in the future.

I always felt and believed that whatever you do to others, we do receive it in some form or the other. I remember a story that I heard during one of my Sunday mass sermons- Wrong doings are like lifting your face up and spitting in the air, the droplets eventually fall on your own face.

There comes a time when we can no longer blame others for our pain, especially when we are conscious of why we’re feeling the pain. Stop for a moment and think are you spitting with your face up?