They say holding hate in your heart towards someone else is like holding a hot stone in your hand to throw at them – you hurt yourself more in the process. Like anyone else, I have endured my share of painful relationships, whether it was a family member , friend or co-worker. I have even had to forgive myself in certain situations. Forgive myself for ignoring certain situations where I should have made a point but did not do , may be because I felt at that time it was the right thing to do.
I don’t believe in Forgiving and Forgetting; I don’t believe anyone can and if they say they can, they are not being truthful. After all, if you forget certain pain or transgressions committed by others, have you really learned from them? I believe you can heal from the pain, but healing doesn’t come from forgetting; it comes from remembering, re-assessing the situation and working through it.
What happens when you are wronged? After you are wronged and the initial wave of emotion has passed, you're presented with a new challenge: Do you forgive the person? By forgiving, you let go of your grievances and judgments and allow yourself to heal. While this may sound good in theory, in practice forgiveness can sometimes feel impossible. It is very important to acknowledge that forgiving is completely under your control and that is why it can be difficult but not impossible.
By forgiving, I accept the reality of what happened and find a way to live in a state of resolution with it. This mostly is a gradual process—and it doesn't necessarily includes the person I have forgiven . Forgiveness isn't something I do for the person who wronged me; it's something I do for myself.
If you decide you are willing to forgive, find a good place and time to be alone with your thoughts. Then, try following these four steps to forgive even when it feels impossible:
· Think about the incident that angered you. Accept that it happened. Accept how you felt about it and how it made you react. In order to forgive, you need to acknowledge the reality of what occurred and how you were affected.
· Acknowledge the growth you experienced as a result of what happened. What did you learn? Did you go beyond your boundaries? Think about - Not only did I survive the incident, perhaps I grew from it.
· Now think about the other person. He or she is flawed because all human beings are flawed. He or she acted from limited beliefs and a skewed frame of reference because sometimes we all act from our limited beliefs and skewed frames of reference( we all do the same mistake) . When you were hurt, the other person was trying to have a need met. What do you think this need was and why did the person go about it in such a hurtful way?
· Finally, decide whether or not you want to tell the other person that you have forgiven him or her. If you decide not to express forgiveness directly, then do it on your own. Say the words, "I forgive you," aloud and then add as much explanation as you feel is merited.
Forgiveness puts the final seal on what happened that hurt you. You will still remember what happened, but you will no longer be bound by it. Having worked through the feelings and learned what you need to do to strengthen your boundaries or get your needs met, you are better able to take care of yourself in the future.
I always felt and believed that whatever you do to others, we do receive it in some form or the other. I remember a story that I heard during one of my Sunday mass sermons- Wrong doings are like lifting your face up and spitting in the air, the droplets eventually fall on your own face.
There comes a time when we can no longer blame others for our pain, especially when we are conscious of why we’re feeling the pain. Stop for a moment and think are you spitting with your face up?
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